How I Stay Calm During Toddler Meltdowns and what I’ve learned from OT and real motherhood.
I used to think staying calm during toddler meltdowns was about control.
I thought if I could stay “in charge” during a tantrum, I was doing it right.
But here’s what I’ve learned after three kids and one season where I literally couldn’t walk (yep — broken leg, three under five, and a house in chaos):
Calm isn’t something we hold over our kids. It’s something they borrow from us.
Co-Regulation > Correction
In OT and child development, we talk about co-regulation — the idea that kids don’t just learn how to calm themselves by being told “calm down.” They learn by feeling safety in us.
And when kids are overwhelmed, overstimulated, or emotionally underwater, they physically can’t access the part of their brain that handles logic or correction. First, they need calm. Then they can hear.
Want to know how this same concept plays out when your toddler is acting out toward a sibling or pet? Read Why Your Toddler Hits the Baby: Understanding Sensory Seeking and What to Do About It.
What Borrowing Calm Looks Like in My House:
- I drop to the floor and get eye-level instead of barking from across the room.
- I say very little — usually something like:
“Your body is having a hard time. I’m right here.” - I offer connection over control — maybe a hug, or just stillness.
It doesn’t always end with a Hallmark moment. It does end faster, better, and more connected.
Try This Today:
Here’s a real, doable step to try during your next meltdown moment:
Say less. Get low. Borrowed calm > forced control.
Instead of:
“You need to calm down!”
Try:
“I’m here. We’ll calm together.”
You’ll feel the shift. You’ll see it in their eyes.
You’re not giving in. You’re giving safety.
From Theory to Real Life
This idea isn’t just sweet — it’s scientifically supported:
- Polyvagal Theory (Dr. Stephen Porges)
- Attachment & Co-Regulation (Bowlby, Siegel, Greene)
- OT practice for emotional regulation
Want more support with staying calm under pressure? Don’t miss How Your Reactions Shape Your Child’s Behavior: Emotional Regulation for Parents.
And if you’re looking for encouragement from someone who’s lived through the chaos and come out more grounded, read Why Having Three Kids Is Easier Than One.
Want more ideas for managing toddler meltdowns??
Download my FREE Calm Routine Toolkit with 3 visual routines that support regulation all day — not just when things explode.
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