Three kids under five.
One red truck.
Two tantrums, one scream, and a mom wondering if peace will ever return.
If you’re living in this stage of life — welcome. You’re not alone, and you’re not doing anything wrong. Toy battles are a rite of passage in toddlerhood, and contrary to what Instagram or your well-meaning great aunt might say, “Just share!” isn’t a magic spell.
Here’s the truth: sharing is a skill, not a switch — and for toddlers, it’s a skill that takes years to truly develop.
Why Sharing Feels Impossible (Especially at Age 2)
Toddlers aren’t trying to be selfish little tyrants. Their brains are literally still under construction. At this stage:
- They’re naturally egocentric, meaning they can’t fully grasp that others have needs and feelings like they do.
- Their prefrontal cortex (the impulse control center) is just beginning to grow.
- To them, a beloved toy feels like an extension of self. Asking them to “share” it is like someone asking you to hand over your favorite mug or phone — forever.
So no, they’re not trying to ruin your day. They’re just… developmentally normal.
But thankfully, that doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do.
5 Strategies That Actually Help (and Don’t Rely on Guilt or Bribery)
These are rooted in research, brain science, and lots of real-life testing in messy living rooms just like yours:
1. Trade “Sharing” for “Taking Turns”
Instead of, “Let your sister play with it,” say:
“You can have a turn when he’s done.”
This creates a clear beginning and end. Use a visual timer or simply narrate the process. “He’s had it for a few minutes. Let’s get ready for your turn.” It teaches fairness without forcing generosity.
What the research says: Taking turns is developmentally easier to grasp than abstract sharing and leads to more peace over time.
Need help establishing routines around transitions like toy-sharing? Why Predictability Matters More Than Perfection has ideas that work.
2. Support Regulation First — Before Solving the Problem (OT-Informed)
When toy fights erupt, it’s tempting to jump straight to “Say sorry!” or “Give it back!” But for toddlers, we have to regulate before we can reason — and that’s where occupational therapy really shines.
Instead, try this:
“You’re upset because she took your toy. That was surprising. Let’s take a breath together.”
This is called co-regulation — is when you use your own calm presence to help guide your child’s nervous system back to balance. In OT, we use co-regulation and sensory strategies to support kids’ nervous systems. That might mean getting down to their eye level, using a calming voice, or even adding a brief sensory break if things escalate (think: bear hugs, a weighted lap pad, or a calming corner).
Want more ideas for building your own calm in chaotic moments? Borrowing Calm: The Real Secret to Handling Meltdowns is a great next read.
Once their body and brain are calmer, then you can help problem-solve:
“Okay. Now that we’re feeling better, let’s figure out what to do about the toy.”
It’s not about being soft. It’s about being smart — helping their brain settle so they can actually learn the social skill you’re trying to teach.
3. Duplicate the Hot Items
Is there a toy that’s always the source of war? If possible, get a second one.
Not forever — but for now, duplicates can give you breathing room when their ability to take turns just isn’t there yet.
4. Teach the Phrase “When You’re Done…”
“Can I have it when you’re done?”
This is a favorite in our house — because it teaches patience and respect.
Research suggests that kids are more likely to share willingly when they feel in control of the process. “When you’re done” language empowers them, rather than making sharing feel like a loss.
5. Practice During Calm, Playful Times
Roleplay sharing with stuffed animals. Read books about turn-taking. Let them see you share your coffee (okay… pretend to).
Kids learn through modeling and repetition. Practicing during low-stakes moments builds those brain pathways that come in handy during high-stakes toy wars.
If your child is struggling with impulse control, aggression, or sensory-seeking behaviors like hitting and biting, be sure to read Why Your Toddler Hits the Baby: Understanding Sensory Seeking and What to Do About it.
Fair Isn’t Always Equal
It’s okay if one child gets a longer turn or someone else gets a new toy today. “Fair” isn’t about equal distribution. It’s about everyone getting what they need. And it’s okay if what your kids need today is coaching, not consequences.
You’re not failing because your kids are fighting
You’re parenting through a stage of rapid growth, big emotions, and endless repetition.
Some days the toy battles will feel nonstop. With time, consistency, and your grace-filled guidance, those battles will soften. They’ll grow. And so will you.
So next time the red truck war breaks out?
Breathe. Set the timer. Narrate the feelings.
And remember — you’re not alone in this.
If you need further help with managing behaviors with your own toddlers….Click here Also check out How Your Reactions Shape Your Child’s Behavior: Emotional Regulation for Parents explores how your calm is their roadmap.
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